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I have stacks of children's book, many because I loved them as a kid, bought them for my first two, Leo and Kieran, or, as an illustrator, I've purchased them for the inspiring art.
And now, I'm restocking for our newborn son Aiden.
But once in awhile I'll stumble across something that'll just make me just scratch my head. As in, "What the f**k were they thinking?!"
And since I also love to share, here are some highlights ...for you!
Many are just plain crazy, a few have double entendres that might not have been intended, many suffer because innocent words have had a change of meaning over the years, or it could be I'm just snickering because I have a dirty mind.
There also might be a smidgen of sophisticated humor in the selections that follow, but most of the guffaws and titters will fall smack dab in the juvenile category.
"Titters"! Hee hee hee!
There are a lot of "funny" children's book cover floating around the internet, but often they've just been photoshopped creations
(I'd love to believe that "My Big Book of Pretty Pussies" is real)
So, if I don't actually have a physical copy in my hands, it won't make the cut. As for it being "The Top 25," keep checking back, I'm sure at some point I'll be up to 100!
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As a prolog to the children's book selections, a must-read before you produce them! Who wants fugly offspring? Not me! But what to do about it?! Corydon Snyder has come to the rescue! Reading from the introduction of his wise advice from his 1952 book, "Art and Human Genetics, Beautiful Children from Homely Parents," Dr. Snyder laments correctly that, "Homely people are getting married everyday! They foolishly hope that their children will somehow end up looking like ideally classic greek goddess or gods." What to do about this eyesore? Match up you "people of character" with the opposite "differently attractive" folks and, God willing, give your children a fighting chance at having some success in life! So you get page after page of side by drawings of, for example, someone with a big honker paired with a button nose, or Miss No Chin hooking up with Dick Tracy, and on and on and on. To sum it up, if when kissing your date, your faces fit together like two jigsaw pieces, marry them! |
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| I'm always happy to go for the cheap joke! |
Dad has "the talk"-
"Son, if you want to be a manly man,
I will always buy you awesome flannel plaid shirts.
If you want yo be a girly man,
I can lop off your balls right now with my scythe."
This pretty much saves you the time of reading the book.
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I should of used this book's strategy
when my threats weren't sufficient
to keep my youngsters in line.
"Leo and Kieran, eat all your peas or the
All Mighty GOD will smite thee and cast thee to the
burning bowels of Hell for all eternity!!!"
The book ends in all caps as the Stepford children
shriek in glassy eyed unison,
"IT'S A GOOD DAY WHEN WE OBEY-
GOD'S BOOK TELLS US SO!"
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"The Tea Party Coloring Book for Kids" attempts
to mold young minds by enticing the tots by breaking
out the Crayolas and color such fun loving kid friendly
pages as "Freedom of Choice and Economics",
"Good Health Care for all Americans", "No More Taxes"
and "Draw A Tea Party Flyer"!
I also enjoy the "Now Only $2.00" sticker
which covers no other price.
I guess it was previously free.
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| "My Parents Open Carry" follows the exploits of the "Strong" family as they stroll around their idyllic middle America small town armed like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator. Most of their time is spent shaking their heads in a bemused condescending way while slowly explaining over and over and over again to the slow witted liberals that they should stop wetting their pants just because the Strongs have enough exposed fire power to take out half the community. The happy conclusion is when 13 year old Brenna gets a brand new handgun. "It's yours! You deserve it for getting such wonderful grades in school." Brenna couldn't believe it. Brenna thought ...my own handgun! "What do you think?" asked Brenna's mom. "Do you like it?" "Like it?" Brenna said, "I love it! Can I shoot it today?" "Sure," said her dad, "I was hoping you would ask!" She again realized how much they loved her and how lucky she was to have parents that open carry. The End |
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| You never know when the red peppers might attack. |
"Teach A Donkey to Fish" is the subtle story of a wise,
American flag wearing, white elephant
as he tries to explain common sense
to a rap talking, peace sign wearing, brown donkey.
I will resist the urge to shoot myself in the head,
and instead, pick up a copy of
"The Little Engine That Could" to inspire the kids.
It took me until the 3rd time viewing this illustration
to realize it wasn't a depiction of how Republicans
feel screwed by Democrats, but instead, the donkey
is standing behind the elephants EAR.
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| A very exciting book all about why Barbie can't take your call. |
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| A midget. A midget who's a clown. A midget who's a clown that stole Burt Reynolds mustache. This book has it all! |
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| Finally! An accurate depiction of our Lord and Savior. You can't help but believe after looking into those big soulful teardrop eyes! |
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| Hot barnyard action! |
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| I think my kids always assumed that was the secret ingredient in all my cooking. |
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| Not funny, but Oh My God! If an unwary 2nd grader stumbled across this at the school library, it would be a memory that would never be forgotten. I'm afraid to even open it! |
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| You might laugh, but I made $250 for selling my life story! |
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| First of all, just because you're "Gay", that does not make you "Bad"! Whoops, my mistake, "Bad Bears in the Big City" is just about two polar bears who are a lil' out of their element. |
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| I went to parties as a tot, but I never knew there was a manual to have an extra swinging good time. All that's missing is a page about the bowl to put your keys for swapping, but that's only because these youngsters don't have cars. Maybe a bowl for bicycle locks would do. |
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| This bit of coaching would make me start running faster than any starting gun. |
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| Now you know why I'm always flipping my palms back and forth. I'm in training! |
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| The soft sell on converting kids to Christianity. That would make more sense if that were that were a Softee cone on the cover of "How God Gives Us Ice Cream," so I'll go with the "hard sell". Kid's, you love ice cream right? Well then, you must love God because He makes the ice cream. If you didn't love God, you won't get any more ice cream. What do you say kids? "WE LOVE GOD!!!" |
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| "Looking At Animals" seems to be a guide for antidepressants with the most forlorn collection of miserable livestock and pets. From a cow that's all alone, a motherless lamb and puppies that no one will walk, these animals desperately need some happy drugs. |
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| Oh yeah Baby! Your whiskers tickle! How 'bout you 'n' me run around the wheel together? Who knew that children innocently learning about how to care for their gerbils would result in being thrust knee deep in animal porn? I'm fairly sure the entire Furrbie craze can be traced back to this manual. |
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| These children on the cover of "Who's Your Furry Friend" seem naturally inquisitive about poking whatever is pressed against that hole. But please, listen to Uncle Mitch kids, when you're in a room where there's about a 4" hole bored in the wall and you can see something furry through it, JUST GET UP AND LEAVE! You DO NOT want to stick your finger or eye up to see what's there, it WILL NOT be good news. |
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| First mistake I made- the puppet goes on your hand! |
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| Actually more of a CSI book as Jerry and Jimmy spend 32 pages with the police trying to remember what happened during their visit to the pharmacist. |
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| Personally, I think "Who Cares About Disabled People?" is sending the wrong message to our nations youth. I think we SHOULD care about our handi-capable friends! |
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| Grandparents might be fooled by the happy bright covers when purchasing a coloring book for little Sally and Tommy. Little do they know that there are some very unsavory things hidden inside! |
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| There are multiple children's books on this subject, including "My Daddy is in Jail" and "The Night Dad Went to Jail." If we can get past the fact that this would be a tough time for kids, it IS the perfect gift for any occasion. I found about 20 copies of "A Visit to the Big House" at an outlet store for $1 each. Santa surprised alot of my friends that Christmas! |
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| Long before shocked parents discovered that the poster for "The Little Mermaid" had a penis or two hidden in the background, those Disney artists were sticking (not so) subliminal images in their art. In this case, the only response can be "Seriously?!" |
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| How to increase sales for your product? Make up as many possible uses for it as possible! The aluminum foil folks put out out book after book in the 50s, 60s and 70s about a new exciting decorating breakthrough- cover EVERYTHING you own in miles and miles of aluminum foil! This example, "Alcoa's Book of Decorations" has ideas for every holiday and party occasion with pages of instructions about how to make these objet d' art. But I'll make it easy for you. Take a box, cone, tube, pet or sleeping Grandma. Get your roll of aluminum foil. Wrap 'em up. Glue on google eyes. Done! |
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| Look how happy you'll be! |
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| In my humble opinion- having kids myself- DON'T make your son wear an aluminum foil pigtail hat with bows. Nothing good can come of it. |
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| For Fathers Day- "Hey Kids! WOW! Thanks for putting a bunch of crap on a broom! This is the best Fathers Day EVER!" |
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| Just to balance it out, there's always a silver lining to be found. If I were 6, I would wear these awesome masks and space helmet 24/7. Oh hell, I'd wear them now after a PBR 6-pack! |
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| Again, if you run across this bad boy, I'll throw $5 in your pocket. Cash money! PS For children of all ages, check out this new book… http://www.amazon.com/Mitch-OConnell-Worlds-Best-Artist/dp/0867197730 And for MORE inappropriate books for kid's- http://mitchoconnell.blogspot.com/2012/08/sex-in-comic-top-100-strangest.html Plus- http://mitchoconnell.blogspot.com/2012/09/sex-in-comic-part-2-top-100-strangest.html |
